What rationale can Epictetus have for saying that one should not be upset if family members die?
In his handbook, Epictetus repeating contradicts the natural value of family. While contemporary notions suggest that family is everything, and even Aristotle suggests the household is important. However, Epictetus describes appearance as insignificant and suggests we should follow the form. Following the form not the appearance means, "With regard to whatever objects give you delight, are useful, or are deeply loved, remember to tell yourself of what general nature they are, beginning from the most insignificant things.” In this way he suggests that you should kiss your wife and kiss your child realizing you are really just kissing a human, and think of it as you love a human.
Epictetus continues to give the example of the ship captain and the traveler, in which he comments that humans can pick up possessions and can have family members but only with the knowledge that when their time comes to die they must leave these possessions behind. (He also compares a woman and child to the shellish and onion, relating them to possessions which says something to how he views the other members of the family).
In regards to family members dying, Epictetus says that we should not mourn because “while he gives it to you to possess, take care of it; but don’t view it as your own.” Epictetus suggests that family members are not possessions but lent to us by a “giver” who can take these gifts back whenever he shall choose, because they belong to him not us. Similarly, Epictetus points out that when others are mourning for the lose of their family members we should not, and we should recognize that there is no reason to mourn because other humans are not mourning.
Epictetus makes loss less personable. He says that when they are taken away we should not mourn because they were not ours to start with and that we should be just as distant and impersonal as strangers are to the loss.
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